It's one of my biggest pet peeves over the years -- hearing the line "I'm not really looking for a girlfriend..."
To that, a variety of responses boomerang through my head --
Who says I'm looking for a boyfriend?
Who says you even stack up?
Kind of full of yourself aren't we?
Really -- you're dumping me before the relationship even starts?
I had that reaction a few months back with R. He was visiting from a nearby state and we met through a mutual friend. He was attractive, and I noticed, but he was on vacation. I had no visions of grandeur in the slightest. But a little fun, could be fun...
Over the course of the day, our group hung out, and R. and I talked, swapped stories, watched a baseball game, did some day drinking, all totally platonic. It wasn't until after we were 10 drinks in that he made a move on me and we had a wild make out session. Hey, it's fun. It's the vacation mentality. Who doesn't like to make out and flirt on vacation? You're a little less inhibited. We're both single, so... why not, rrrrright?
Fast forward to the next day...
Before R. caught his flight back, we grabbed a quick drink and he casually mentioned, we should do this again... and I responded yeah, sure. He said, "You don't sound very excited!!" and I said with emphasis "YEAH SURE, LET'S DO IT... (?!?)" and he replied, "how about a month from now?" okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... insert incredulous look... So much for no expectations. Does he actually want to MAKE PLANS? Guys who make plans are an endangered species! I was completely fine with being a vacation fling, but okay, I'm open to it...
So R. and I began texting, every day, all day, back and forth. I was skeptical, but the more we talked, the more it seemed like a visit was not a spur of the moment idea on his part, in fact, he had the permanent marker out and was ready to mark up a page in his schedule book. Meanwhile, he's telling me he's trying to find a job in AZ. Hummm... there was potential there... but again, I'm a single lady and enjoying myself in the time being.
So I didn't let myself get carried away... and I didn't express anything beyond what he expressed. It has been my code for years -- never overstep the guy's sentiment. I find it wise to protect myself.
Example:
a. I want to see you. = b. I want to see you too. < c. I miss you.
Ok, I know the example is simplified, but a=b. Same sentiment. c>a. Bigger sentiment -- bad idea.
So as the month went on, we tried to schedule a time for the visit... but previously scheduled engagements kept setting back our calendar. But considering my ongoing happy state of singledom, if he waited too long, I was bound to be otherwise booked... and thus came the word vomit that had absolutely no warning...
To that, a variety of responses boomerang through my head --
Who says I'm looking for a boyfriend?
Who says you even stack up?
Kind of full of yourself aren't we?
Really -- you're dumping me before the relationship even starts?
I had that reaction a few months back with R. He was visiting from a nearby state and we met through a mutual friend. He was attractive, and I noticed, but he was on vacation. I had no visions of grandeur in the slightest. But a little fun, could be fun...
Over the course of the day, our group hung out, and R. and I talked, swapped stories, watched a baseball game, did some day drinking, all totally platonic. It wasn't until after we were 10 drinks in that he made a move on me and we had a wild make out session. Hey, it's fun. It's the vacation mentality. Who doesn't like to make out and flirt on vacation? You're a little less inhibited. We're both single, so... why not, rrrrright?
Fast forward to the next day...
Before R. caught his flight back, we grabbed a quick drink and he casually mentioned, we should do this again... and I responded yeah, sure. He said, "You don't sound very excited!!" and I said with emphasis "YEAH SURE, LET'S DO IT... (?!?)" and he replied, "how about a month from now?" okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... insert incredulous look... So much for no expectations. Does he actually want to MAKE PLANS? Guys who make plans are an endangered species! I was completely fine with being a vacation fling, but okay, I'm open to it...
So R. and I began texting, every day, all day, back and forth. I was skeptical, but the more we talked, the more it seemed like a visit was not a spur of the moment idea on his part, in fact, he had the permanent marker out and was ready to mark up a page in his schedule book. Meanwhile, he's telling me he's trying to find a job in AZ. Hummm... there was potential there... but again, I'm a single lady and enjoying myself in the time being.
So I didn't let myself get carried away... and I didn't express anything beyond what he expressed. It has been my code for years -- never overstep the guy's sentiment. I find it wise to protect myself.
Example:
a. I want to see you. = b. I want to see you too. < c. I miss you.
Ok, I know the example is simplified, but a=b. Same sentiment. c>a. Bigger sentiment -- bad idea.
So as the month went on, we tried to schedule a time for the visit... but previously scheduled engagements kept setting back our calendar. But considering my ongoing happy state of singledom, if he waited too long, I was bound to be otherwise booked... and thus came the word vomit that had absolutely no warning...
R. it seems like you are really pushing me to come down there and I'm not really liking it. I would like to see you too but I made all of these travel plans before I met you so it's just hard to take any more time off or spend more money on plane tickets. I guess I just don't feel like you appreciate my situation
J. I'm kind of a planner. I have a lot of stuff coming up too, so I was trying to work it out. If it doesn't work, then it doesn't.
R. well I don't want you to get upset. That is what I am saying, I don't feel like you really appreciate how much time and effort it takes to come down there. Believe me I really want to but I have to be smart about it:)
And you are always welcome to come up here too!
J. it would mean a lot... and you suggested it so I figured it was something that you saw it being a likelihood
R. yeah I would like to come I really would, just as much as I would like you to come up here 
J. well I was planning on doing that later! What are you thinking? don't worry about hurting my feelings
R. I don't know, nothing really. I just don't know when I will be able to make it out there and I am having a hard time committing to anything real far out w/ not knowing if we will be in the same situation in the future. I guess I am just being honest w/ myself and thinking "what could fizzle out" I really like you Julie but I am in no position to start a long term relationship either
SLAM BAM WHAM! And there it is. EXACTLY what I'm talking about. So, you're breaking up with me, before we even start dating, after one day and a drunken makeout session? Aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself there? Ha. Um, sorry buddy, but you would be SO lucky to have me as a girlfriend in the first place... after, obviously, you'd put in the work. After wining and dining me and freaking earning it like any man would. You think all it takes is one night to suck me in? You think you're the only one in my viewfinder? You are sorely mistaken!!
Bottom line -- when somebody says that to a girl, it's time to say goodbye. Or in any romantic situation, for that matter. Because nobody ever doesn't want to fall in love. If they say they don't want a girlfriend, or aren't looking to be in a committed relationship, the timing is wrong, or just want to focus on fill-in-the-blank... correction, they don't want to be with you. Boiled down... they don't want YOU to be their girlfriend.
To say the least... another one bites the dust. Cue exit.
And what do you know, but R. ended up in a relationship about two months later. No surprise there!
