a word about online dating

Online dating. I detest it. But now that its socially acceptable, I half-heartedly am giving it a try. Hell. Actually I've had an online profile, in some shape or form, for the past five years. But the stock I put into it is next to zero. Why? I just do not care enough, simply put. In all my years on the 'cyber scene,' I can count the dudes I've decided to meet in person on one hand... not because I had luck with it, mind you, just the opposite.

It's a lot of effort, online dating. Browsing profiles, editing your profile, responding to emails. I learned the hard way how disappointing it is to waste a few weeks of intelligent banter and my wittiest punchlines on a guy, only to meet him in person and find he's an ogre. Once, I met a new guy for dinner. I was excited because he was tall. Then I find he's a 6' man in a 6'5" body. His body was stretched like Gumby -- completely disproportionate. Most of the time, you know within 30 seconds if you want to walk right out the door the way you came. Sadly, social convention doesn't allow for that. Well, I think social convention is totally overrated...

So I've made up some ground rules. One, no dinner on the first meet. Why not? Cuz you're stuck. You're stuck for 2+ hours and chances are he wants dessert. During my dinner with Gumby, he agonized over his plate of pad Thai for two hours. Then when 9:30 rolled around, and he asked if I wanted to get a drink, I made up some story about an early yoga class. Yup, I need to go to bed at 10 pm Saturday night so I can make my yoga class, I sputtered. Hey, I was new at this...

So that's why I like to schedule my first meets at a coffee shop over the lunch hour, or an early afternoon, so you always have an escape route. And I don't call them dates. Sorry, it's not a date until we both know what we're getting in to and I pull out all the stops and donate a Saturday night to you. Then, its a date. Funny, none of my online suitors have gotten that far...

Which brings me to today. An afternoon beer with a closet homosexual who was pleasant enough company besides for the gay vibe and Alfalfa hairdo. I just knew, within seconds, I was not attracted to him in the slightest. See, that's the problem with online dating. Someone's cleverly written and well-thought out profile could be disguising an absolute personality void or nervous tick. A person's photo could be from before they gained 20 pounds and started balding. Or, on the other hand, you could dismiss an amazing guy because his photo didn't do him justice. My ex was a gorgeous man, but when it came to picture time, he couldn't pull it together.

I guess I'm just holding out that I'll meet that person organically and not have to explain myself when telling the 'how we met' story. I don't care if its the norm, I don't want to tell my kids, Mommy picked out Daddy in a yearbook on the computer!!

Criminal activity does NOT discriminate

I've had friends call me crazy for this, but I beg to differ. Working in news, I encounter many mug shots where under different circumstances I would think, 'Heellooo!' until I see the guy was arrested for drugs, child abuse, assault... or something really disgusting. As it turns out, if I saw some of these guys in a bar, I might've been interested. But since criminal activity doesn't discriminate against the good-looking (take Chase Crawford, who was arrested earlier this year for possession... yummmm), I tend to look up a potential suitor's criminal history before I go out on a date with him.

Call me crazy, but I call it self-protection. However, I contend but what might be kind of crazy is me warning them beforehand by saying, "You don't have any criminal history do you.. because I WOULD FIND OUT," in a flirtatious but menacing voice -- channeling Isla Fisher in the bathroom scene with Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers.

Well turns out that warning paid off. I met a charming oddball in a bar one night last spring. We spent the evening belting karaoke tunes and he asked for my number.

The second date, we had a heart-to-heart conversation. Now 30 years old, I asked him what he had been doing since he graduated high school. In a prelude to his response, he added the disclaimer, "You aren't one of those people to judge, are you? I had a few rough years." To which I responded, "Everything's a learning experience" (or something along the same lines which I generally believe but of course there is a limit to everything) and he proceeded to tell me what happened.

Long story short... the dude was arrested not only for possession of illicit drugs but for selling. He got caught when some rival distributor or junkie broke in and burglarized his place, and he turned a gun on the dude. And he spent more than a year and a half in prison. And he wasn't just selling... he was USING... a story that left a burn in the pit of my stomach which was definitely not desire.

So, I rest my case. Thanks to my incessant and somewhat crazy inquiries to potential suitors, I was able to weed out a convicted felon. There's plenty of fish in the sea huh? Now to find one that's single, attractive, smart, gentlemanly, successful, compassionate -- without a criminal history -- this sea is looking more like a puddle every day.

Before you text, ask yourself, am I an idiot?

Man, I'm really not making this up. I really couldn't make this up.

Guys, please don't voice everything you think. Please don't think, then voice, then text, then send. I mean, that whole process must take up to a minute. Maybe 30 seconds if you are a fast texter. And the fact that one statement goes through so many avenues to get to me, you get no excuses. Somewhere along the way you should've figured out you are an idiot. Okay, enough dramatizing. Let's get down to it.

N. and I have had two dates. We've kissed. Up until now, I thought he was a grownup. A 32-year-old man, successful in his career and making a good living, clearly ambitious, and a gentleman -- opening up all the doors, gallantly taking the check, and phoning to ask me out, not texting. (Which guys if you don't know is a clear indication that you aren't very interested -- or clearly not interested enough to put forth effort and risk rejection.) Of course, that's not to say, texting is off-limits. Once the barrier of first contact has been broken, texting here and there is a good idea to keep interest piqued. So that's why I wasn't surprised when I got a text from N. after our two dates, but my initial pleasure at seeing his name in my inbox quickly turned to horror.

Having just become Facebook friends -- roll of the eyes -- he had texted at 9:02 p.m., "Who's that hot chic in the pic w u??? U gotta introduce me to her!"

No, I do not make this up. Please, tell me, you just shit a brick too. Let's take a poll!!

About 50 responses flew through my mind, half of them either made me look like a crazy bitch or a jealous freak, so instead I decided to go with venomous sarcasm.

"She said no thanks" at 10:31 p.m.

Well, the following morning, which is certainly enough time to reexamine your thought processes and make an attempt to redeem yourself or explain yourself, came the reply at 8:03 a.m.: "Ouch, Ok well I guess I'll have to settle... fyi you look pretty cute... I mean .. HOT too!"

To which there again was no response. Now let me just add my girlfriend in the pic with me is certainly hot. But I like to think I am pretty hot too, and I don't want to sound conceited but I've had quite a few guys agree with me on that.

So let's get this straight guys. Two dates in, do not presume to think you can makes jokes in bad taste that a) insult your romantic interest and b) hit on her friend in the same breath. Especially in a text message, which doesn't allow me the opportunity OR pleasure of slapping you across the face.

Not that I would ever do such a thing... two dates in.